Category Archives: Dirt Clod of the Day

Humor

Late Nite Christmas Top 10 List

TOP TEN CHRISTMAS TIPS FROM GENERAL ELECTRIC (from Late Nite with David Letterman)

10.  If one light bulb in your house goes out, replace them all
9.  Flourescent tubes make great Star Wars swords for kids
8.  Blow-dryers can be used to keep food warm
7.  Big corporations shouldn’t commercialize this blessed season by handing out bonuses
6.  Keeping several TVs and radios on alll the time creates a feeling of warmth and intimacy
5.  We heard that Sylvania bulbs give off some kind of poison gas
4.  Same deal with Westinghouse
3.  Electric toothbrushes should be left on all day to keep them loose
2.  A G.E. industrial turbine makes a one-of-a-kind stocking stuffer
1.  Warranties, like greeting cards, should be thrown out

Letters to Santa

Dear Santi,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How ’bout I send you a nice book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! 
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they? Santa

Dear Santa,
I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with. 
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad’s still having with the babysitter?  He’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.  Santa

Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do. 
Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like “Chutes and Ladders.” 
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. 
Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face.  You want to be a sweetheart? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone. 
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? 
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China.  I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses butts, and losing all my cash at the craps table.  Hey, YOU wanted to know! 
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping your house…
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiny begging nonsense may work with your folks, but that crap don’t work up here. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself “Marky,” that’s why you’re getting your butt whipped at school.  Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in.  Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! 
Santa

Late Show: Top Ten Elf Complaints

Top Ten lists about Christmas by David Letterman Late Show.

10.  Bells on clothing target for jeers at truck stops
9.  Need two pieces of I.D. to buy beer
8.  Santa’s union-busting goons killed a guy last spring
7.  Black elves control the weight room
6.  R&R weekends in Aleutians spoiled by trigger-happy shore patrol
5.  Incredible markup at North Pole 7-11
4.  Workmen’s compensation doesn’t cover “mistletoe-lung”
3.  The Colonel practically runs my life (Sorry, that’s a Elvis complaint)
2.  Dead elves just tossed out on tundra
1.  Santa only invites his favorites to join him in the Jacuzzi

3 Wishes For an Old Lady

A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, just washing the dishes and cleaning up when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.  “You’ve led a long and good life” the genie said, ” So I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes.  Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen, I promise.”
 

The old lady was very surprised and obviously cynical.  Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. “Ok” she said, “turn all those dirty dishes into money.”  With that ‘poof’ and miraculously the dishes had, indeed, turned into a big pile of cash.

“Oh my” said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, “Then perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?” There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very, very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, “Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?”

Once more there was a big poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man.  Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said “At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!”  The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, “Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet shouldn’t you!”

Dirt Clod #25

“I once prayed to God for a bike, but soon found out that it doesn’t work that way.  So I stole a bike… and prayed to God for forgiveness…”

1/2 of US Senate Corrupt Coward Politicians

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, “Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.  After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. “OK,” he said, “I withdraw what I said.  Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”