Tag Archives: Humor

Late Show: Top Ten Elf Complaints

Top Ten lists about Christmas by David Letterman Late Show.

10.  Bells on clothing target for jeers at truck stops
9.  Need two pieces of I.D. to buy beer
8.  Santa’s union-busting goons killed a guy last spring
7.  Black elves control the weight room
6.  R&R weekends in Aleutians spoiled by trigger-happy shore patrol
5.  Incredible markup at North Pole 7-11
4.  Workmen’s compensation doesn’t cover “mistletoe-lung”
3.  The Colonel practically runs my life (Sorry, that’s a Elvis complaint)
2.  Dead elves just tossed out on tundra
1.  Santa only invites his favorites to join him in the Jacuzzi

You Might Be a Redneck if…[Part 3]

21.  You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.

22.  There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

23.  Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

24.  There is a wasp nest in your living room.

25.  The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

26.  You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

27.  There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

28.  You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

29.  You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

30.  Fewer than half of your cars run.

18 Reasons Why Fishing is Better Than Sex

  

18.  You don’t have to hide your Fishing magazines…

17.  It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

16.  The Ten Commandments don’t say anything about Fishing with someone who isn’t your spouse.

15.  If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the internet if you become famous.

14.  Your Fishing partner doesn’t get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

13.  It’s perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

12.  When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don’t have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

11.  If your regular Fishing partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you Fish with someone else.

10.  You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

9.  When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

8.  You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

7.  You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite co-workers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

6.  There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

5.  If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don’t have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

4.   Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

 3. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

2.  Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself…

And the number 1 reason Fishing is better than Sex: Your Fishing partner will never say, “Not again? We just Fished last night!  Is Fishing all you ever think about?”

A Collection of Minor Insults!

Smoke doesn’t make it to the top of his chimney.

So boring, his dreams have Muzak.

So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.

So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.

So dumb, he faxes face up.

So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.

So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.

So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.

So slow, he has to speed up to stop.

So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.

So stupid, he tries to drown fish.

So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.

So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.

You Might be a Redneck if… [part 2]

11. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

12. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

13. You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.

14. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.

15. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

16. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

17. You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.

18. You own a homemade fur coat.

19. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

20. Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

You Might be a Redneck if… [part 1]

1. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

2. You think the stock market has a fence around it.

3. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

4. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

5. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

6. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

7.You’ve ever used lard in bed.

8. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

10. You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.