A FEW INTERESTING QUOTES:

Clothes make the man.  [Naked people typically have little or no influence on society]

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise [but socially dead].

Friends help you move.  But real friends help you move dead bodies.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you are in deep water.

To err is human.  To really screw things up you need a computer.

Anywhere is within walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry.

People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.

Sex isn’t the Answer.

Sex is the Question.

Yes! Is the Answer…

So a blond was speeding down the highway.  All of a sudden she gets pulled over (obviously because she was speeding).

The cop who pulled her over was also a blond (uh-oh)… The cop says “Ma’am I need to see your drivers license ID.”

The girl was confused, being blond and all.

So, the cop decides to remind her what an ID is.  ”Ma’am it’s a rectangular thing with your picture on it.”

The blond still has no idea, but looks for it anyways.  So funny…. them blonds.  So she pulls out a rectangular mirror and hands it to the cop.

The blonde cop says to the blond driver, “Oh, sorry ma’am… if I had known YOU were a cop too, I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”

I want to know if anyone was really stupid enough to respond to this classified ad!!

Top Ten Things I’ve Learned In My 30 Years As A Talk Show Host– David Letterman

10. You don’t need to pay a lot to get a good hairpiece

 9. First half of the show: phone it in. Last half: autopilot

                                                  No kidding??

They just refuse to edit these classified ads, don’t they.  But I suppose “dick” has the potential of being very entertaining…

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: “After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh.”

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for on the premises.”

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

I took this photo yesterday in Woodland, California on the way to Red Bluff to visit a berry grower.  Am I the only one that finds this ”Academy of Arts” sign outrageously funny?? [The lettering is stencil-painted; the gray background is brush-painted].  Is this where you want to go to art school??

For fun, I did a quick internet search on these folks.  I found this statement on their webpage: “We are currently applying for membership at the Yolo County Arts Council”… hmmm, and they wonder why they haven’t been accepted yet………

A 3 year old boy who is told not to go outside and play in the dirt will bring the dirt inside, mix it with water and build roads on the new living room carpet.  [As a Soil Scientist, I can really relate to this... Dr. B.]

A can of soda will make a great geyser when hit with a hammer. A 12 pack makes a BIG puddle.

You should not stand too close to a fire alarm in a large grocery store if your child is in the basket.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3 year old child’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush along with the words “uh oh,” it’s already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke (and lots of it).

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

Super glue may be forever, but nail polish remover isn’t.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably don’t want to know what that smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in my town has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

63% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.